Paying Respects

Today I visited Stuart's parents who were sitting shiva. Shiva, for those who do not know, is for Jewish people, a period of mourning following a death. I had intended to stop by for about 30 minutes but I ended up staying for 90. His parents are very nice people, as is his older brother , who was here from Virginia. They showed me a DVD that the funeral home had made from pictures of Stuart. It was so touching to see him from newborn through adulthood, and sad to see him looking so happy in each one when we knew that down inside he was troubled. What was the most difficult, I told his parents, is that I am a mom, and this tragedy makes me think of my own child. Not my girls, but my son. He is doing just fine now and has been for some time. He has a good job and a lovely girlfriend and is living happily (I think) in NYC. I say I think because he is not speaking to me (again) since October, over something truly small and insignificant. But - that's my son! He has his own issues. I have just always worried about him a little more than the girls. For some reason, since he was about 4 years old, I had felt that he would not be around for years to come. I don't feel that strongly about that anymore, but I still worry (hey, all mom's do, don't we?). And having gone through Stuart's death and seeing his parents loss just hits home. They spent many years worrying about him, fearing that something like this would happen. It's a parent's worst nightmare to lose a child. I can stand my son's estrangement (for this is his choice which I have no control over), but as long as he is alive and well, no matter where, I can sleep at night.